Wednesday, August 11, 2010


No, not me, my horse is getting a massage this morning. Aren't I a nice mum!

3 mornings to go of working them. This time next week I will be in the car and heading to the gym.

Why does the thought of a gym workout seem so much more enticing than working the horses?

With the horses I just have to sit there and they do all the work, I get to listen to my iPod.

At the gym, I push myself till I can go no further, I'm exhausted and sore at then end.

I think I'm slightly warped!

Have a great day, I better go and saddle up.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Final countdown

This weekend is our last weekend of polocrosse for the year.

I'm so excited. I cant wait to play but most of all I'm really looking forward to not having the horses to work next week. I always get this way at the end of the season, and it being cold and dark doesn't make it any easier.

My plan come Monday is:

  • Start going to the gym of a morning again - oh how I've missed doing this of a morning, it's just too easy to talk myself out of it at the end of the day as I would rather come home and light the fire than go to the gym and come home to a cold house.
  • Spend some time of an afternoon training Bart. Bart is my mini schnauzer. He's so cute and does have good manners, but I think its about time I teach him a few more. And, I want to set up an obstacle/agility course for him.
  • Study, study, study. I would really like to have another 2 modules of my Advanced Diploma of Financial Services done by the end of the year - is it too much to do 12 months of work in about 4? and
  • Do 1/2 hr of extra work a day so I wont have to try and play 'catch up' on the weekends.
Bring on Sunday when I can put the girls out and not have to worry about them until November.

Here's some pics of Bart and my girls!

This is Bart when I got him in at Easter.

This is Bart as of last week - I will have an updated pic on Friday after he gets a hair cut! He is so hairy at the moment its not funny.

And here are my girls, patiently (or not so) waiting for me to give them their dinner!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Aunty Ness and other happenings

I've had a big couple of weeks and have had trouble getting my head around it. I know I should have blogged regularly, but work and life gets in the way sometimes.

I'm an Aunt to the most gorgeous little girl - Millicent Rose.

I haven't met her yet, but have been sent lots of pics which are now adorning the walls of my house. Hopefully I will get up to see her in the next couple of weeks - before she gets too big.

So that was about 10 days ago now.

Last weekend J and I decided that we would move north when he gets his licence back in October 2011. We don't know where, I just want to be somewhere so that we can decide on a Friday night to go an see family for the weekend - not have to plan a big production to go and see them.

Along with this decision, I had to make the hard decision to not become a partner in the business where I work. In September 2011, it was expected and I was going to buy out a retiring partner and then would be a principal in this business. I was looking forward to this, but over the last 6 months, my enthusiasm has dwindled.

As a female, I think we are told and led to believe that we can have everything we want. Money, a successful career, kids, family etc. And not only can we have it, but we can do it all well.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't think that this is possible for me.

A big part of me wants to have my own successful financial planning business, but I haven't had kids yet, and who will look after my clients while I go off and raise my family? Oh, that's right my nanny looks after them for me. Pft, I cant even afford to buy a pair of shoes with cash (not credit) let alone afford a nanny while we survive on one wage.

Even if we were staying in the area, I could not have been a partner in this business as well as raise a family in the future.

I felt guilty about this. And not just guilty, I was terribly upset by this.

Why do we get told that we can have it all, when I can't? Why do I feel guilty that oneday I will want to have kids and won't want to go back to work fulltime - at least until they are at school? Has women's lib gone a bit too far? Will I be shunned cause I will choose my family over my career?

This made me rethink what I really want and I've had to move the goal posts.

Why can't I be a very successful financial planner while working for someone else, at least until I raise a family, then look to become my own boss. At least this way I will get my annual leave and someone else can have the worry about where the next dollar is going to come from.

And yes, when I do have kids, I will not be going back to work full time. I can already here the gasps from mums who juggle work and family! But, I don't want to miss out on those precious first few years, they are only little once,\ and if I can't be around to see their first steps and hear there first words, then why have I bothered?

Yes I can have it all. I just needed to be clear and happy with what it is that I want. I have made my choice and I no longer feel guilty. This is what I want and above all else, this is what will make me happy.

Also last week I farewelled one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. DiDo left this world on Sunday 1st August after a long and brave battle with cancer. Her funeral was on Thursday.

She was just a lovely person.

In her eulogy, her friend recalled when she hugged you. I closed my eyes and remembered those times, and it was as he described, she enveloped you, she wasn't very big, but in one of her hugs, you felt so small.

So RIP DiDo, somewhere over that rainbow. I'm so glad that I knew you, and I will carry pieces of you with me for the rest of my time.

Now I have dealt with those issues, my life can return to some form of normality. I will sleep better, I will train harder, I will eat better and most of all, I can now relax, cause in the words of The Judds:

I know where I'm going.....

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Didn't know what to call this post. Warning now, this is going to be a dull and unhappy post, so quit reading now if your not up for it. And its going to be a bit of a ramble.

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother with so many things in my life.

Why do I bother having a partner when I spend all week by myself doing everything by myself on our farm - its only 10 acres but we have dogs and horses to look after. The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard on me. It's been cold and wet and I've had to be up at some godforsaken hour so that I can work out polocrosse horses before work. Then I have to get everything organised to go away for the weekend.

Wouldn't a single life be better? Just me to look after, just my stuff to do.

Now I know that I love my partner, and essentially the point is that I am not coping with him being away all the time anymore, not at all. I'm in tears every morning (here they come now) cause I'm exhausted - more so emotionally then anything else, I don't want to go to work as I've so much to do here that I can't get done in the few hours that I am home. The washing piles up and screams at me from the laundry, as does the ironing and the house is filthy. I just want my mum or MIL to drop in an help, but no their 8 and 4.5 hours away.

I'm stuck in a town that I don't like. I have friends, but none that I can just call on to help out. And we live 15 mins out of town and at times it feels like they always want me to come into town, but they never want to come out here at the end of the day.

The worst part of all of this is that I own a 5% share of the business I work in and in Sept 2011 I am expected to purchase 15% off a partner who is retiring. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be so far from everyone I love. But, I'm having such a terrible time trying to tell them that this is not what I want. If I could move this business 8 hrs north, I'd be so happy, but I cant. So, I have made a date, Next Friday, when I am going to tell them I'm giving my notice and that I will be moving back up north. I've made myself sick over this.

And, we didn't get to court last Friday for J's DUI case. We go Wednesday next week. At least we'll know whats going on.

As for 12wbt, I just haven't been bothered. I know its a vicious circle that I get sucked into and when I stop exercising it just makes me feel even worse, but I just could not be bothered, I get to the gym and again I'm almost in tears cause I don't want to be there, I just want to go home to bed. And food, its been OK, but basically just eating stuff out of the freezer as again I couldn't be bothered cooking.

Catching up with my twitter friends - they bring me so much joy and support, but lately I couldn't even be bothered to catch up.

Why do I get like this? I really hate it and its seems that more down I get, the more I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know J can't dictate where he has to go for his job, so as far as I can see, he'll be away all week for a while longer - no light there. DUI - light next Wednesday. Exercise - I'm going to the gym tonight (light) Food - I will make myself a proper dinner tonight, no frozen food.

But, probably the biggest light of all is that I'm flying to Newcastle tomorrow to catch up with my cousins and head to my sisters baby shower in Dubbo on Saturday. This will brighten my world. Although I know already there will be tears on Sunday and Monday as I wont want to leave them.

I need to force myself to see the light, no one is going to shine the torch for me. I need to change the things that I can and let go of the things that I cant. I need to accept that I am not a strong emotionally as I think I am - yes I do break, much to my disgust (why is that?). But I need to accept this, have my cry/scream etc and move on.

I have a great life, I have a partner that I love, I have a great family and awesome cousins, I have wonderful friends (who maybe I should reach out more often too) and I'm going to be an aunty any day now. I've just hit a hurdle and I am determined to get over it.

12wbt and Mish, I recommit myself to you as of now. I want to reach my goals regardless of the hurdles that come my way. I have 8 weeks to get rid of 7kgs, and I will do it. I will exercise 6 days of the week and stick to 1200 cals per day.

To my twitter buddies, I am coming back, I've missed you all, you brighten my day without you even knowing it.

Thanks for reading, I better get ready for work. xx

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Been a while

It has been a while since I blogged and maybe I wouldn't have gone off the rails if I had of kept up.

I put on 0.2 this week at WI and I know why.

Emotional eating reared its ugly head, over a few things:

  • My other half (lets call him J) is away all week. He gets in the car on Sunday or Monday and generally returns Friday afternoon or if I'm really lucky about 10pm on Thursday night. This does not help when I'm tired and emotional and would just like to chat and have a cuddle and maybe have someone cook me dinner. Last week I resorted to my old tactics of why bother cooking for myself and ate toast for dinner instead. And no, honey on toast did not make me feel better.

  • My sisters baby shower is next weekend and she lives 8hrs drive from me. I thought that I wasn't going to be able to go, so when I got the invite I was terribly sad and hence turned to my old friend - chocolate. I'm not a child person (I swear I'll have to get pregnant by accident) so was funny that I was so upset, but she is my sister so I guess that explains it. Anyway after a couple of days of the sads, I put out on Facebook that I was sad I wasn't going to be there and my lovely cousins from Newcastle had a great idea - fly up and drive out with them. Plane is booked and I'm so excited. I only met these cousins in April - long story and will tell you another day - but I feel I've known them all my life.

  • J goes to court this Friday to try and get is licence back after a DUI charge in April 2009 - yep he's been almost 15 months without a licence and at worst he is looking at another 15 due to a prior DUI charge about 9 years and 6 months ago. This has been an extremely difficult period for us. He has to pay a driver to drive him all week and his driver is not really someone you want to spend all week with. On alternate weeks he gets his dad to drive him - and his dad is not someone I want to spend the time with when they get back here. -His dad often decides to come over on a Saturday or doesn't go home til he Sunday after they get back, so after being away all week I probably get a few hours with him, what a relationship, bet your jealous! It's very stressful, I get the shits, J gets the shits and its just such a happy place to be! I was hopeful about court until the solicitor said last week that he doesn't like our chances. So out came the chocolate. I still have my fingers crossed, I'm sick of being the driver all the time, I'm tired of having other people involved in our lives so much. I would like to be able to sleep in on a Saturday and J go to town and do the jobs, instead of getting up early to do the house jobs then be J's driver for the day as he needs to do stuff in town or with our sheep. I would like to be able to go out for dinner and have a couple of glasses of wine and have someone drive me home. I just want his licence back.

They are probably the 3 biggies this week.

The positives from this experience are:

  • I know why I went wrong.

  • I did go for a 10km run on Tuesday night and felt better for it.

  • I need to go back to my quote - if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer - I will be putting that on my fridge NOW.

  • And the best part, this week is a new week and I have a strong mind and body and I can do this.

Today I have a day off to get stuff done for our polocrosse carnival. I am making slices and cakes - major DANGER ZONE, but I'll be OK (I have a strong mind remember). I also plan on making today a 1000+ calorie burn today, and tomorrow as well.

I better fly, cause at this rate I wont even burn 100 cals!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Weigh In Wednesday

Am very pleased to say that I lost another 1kg this week, so thats 2kg so far and only 6.4 to go - 55 here I come!

But, on a sad note, I called my mum, who is also doing 12wbt, and she had to take her lab puppy to the vets yesterday as she ate some mouse bait, and they are waiting to hear if she made it through the night, so that deflated my sails pretty quick. Mum did lose 1.1kg though.

So, c'mon Lulu, here's hoping you can pull through this xx

Update 11:40am
Mum just text to say that Lulu is OK. I really didn't want to open the message, with how tried and emotional I've been lately, if it had been bad news I think I would have lost it.

She is one very string little puppy. She'll be wrapped in cotton wool for the next few weeks - not spoilt, but due to drugs given she could cause more issues if she knocks herself.

Poor mum and dad have been worried sick and feeling awful as any mousebait they put out is always in containers and out of reach of dogs - but she managed to sniff some out, must be that lab nose!

Catch ya, it is a great day today!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

My dream

Just a quick one this morning.

Had a dream last night - by the way, I have the weirdest dreams, but this one was great.

I was at the Round 2 12wbt party and everyone I've been tweeting with, facebook friends with and chatted with on the forums was there.

It was great.

Even my other half came with me (but it wasn't him, he looked more like Brad Pitt in his early days, think Thelma & Louise).

I don't know why it was so good, it just was. Everyone was as I imagined them, dressed up in our frocks, we were all beautiful. And so friendly, like we'd known each other forever.

I can't wait till the round 2 party, I will not be missing it for the world! Now, I just have to find the dress I was wearing in my dream.........

On another note, I caved last night. I had the chicken noodle soup for dinner, then about an hour later a peanut butter and jam sandwhich WTF (it doesn't count if it's on healthy Burgen bread, does it?)! I was bored, not hungry. Not happy with myself at all. No use beating myself up, so have come up with a few contingency plans for boredom eating:
  • get on the 12wbt forums
  • hem those work pants you've had sitting on the lounge for like a month
  • what about the ironing
  • why not just go to bed
  • have a herbal tea
  • read your book
I have a stong mind and body, I can do this. I will not let boredom eating stand in the way of my goal this time round.

Have a great day peeps! I will not cave today