Didn't know what to call this post. Warning now, this is going to be a dull and unhappy post, so quit reading now if your not up for it. And its going to be a bit of a ramble.
Sometimes I really wonder why I bother with so many things in my life.
Why do I bother having a partner when I spend all week by myself doing everything by myself on our farm - its only 10 acres but we have dogs and horses to look after. The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard on me. It's been cold and wet and I've had to be up at some godforsaken hour so that I can work out polocrosse horses before work. Then I have to get everything organised to go away for the weekend.
Wouldn't a single life be better? Just me to look after, just my stuff to do.
Now I know that I love my partner, and essentially the point is that I am not coping with him being away all the time anymore, not at all. I'm in tears every morning (here they come now) cause I'm exhausted - more so emotionally then anything else, I don't want to go to work as I've so much to do here that I can't get done in the few hours that I am home. The washing piles up and screams at me from the laundry, as does the ironing and the house is filthy. I just want my mum or MIL to drop in an help, but no their 8 and 4.5 hours away.
I'm stuck in a town that I don't like. I have friends, but none that I can just call on to help out. And we live 15 mins out of town and at times it feels like they always want me to come into town, but they never want to come out here at the end of the day.
The worst part of all of this is that I own a 5% share of the business I work in and in Sept 2011 I am expected to purchase 15% off a partner who is retiring. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be so far from everyone I love. But, I'm having such a terrible time trying to tell them that this is not what I want. If I could move this business 8 hrs north, I'd be so happy, but I cant. So, I have made a date, Next Friday, when I am going to tell them I'm giving my notice and that I will be moving back up north. I've made myself sick over this.
And, we didn't get to court last Friday for J's DUI case. We go Wednesday next week. At least we'll know whats going on.
As for 12wbt, I just haven't been bothered. I know its a vicious circle that I get sucked into and when I stop exercising it just makes me feel even worse, but I just could not be bothered, I get to the gym and again I'm almost in tears cause I don't want to be there, I just want to go home to bed. And food, its been OK, but basically just eating stuff out of the freezer as again I couldn't be bothered cooking.
Catching up with my twitter friends - they bring me so much joy and support, but lately I couldn't even be bothered to catch up.
Why do I get like this? I really hate it and its seems that more down I get, the more I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know J can't dictate where he has to go for his job, so as far as I can see, he'll be away all week for a while longer - no light there. DUI - light next Wednesday. Exercise - I'm going to the gym tonight (light) Food - I will make myself a proper dinner tonight, no frozen food.
But, probably the biggest light of all is that I'm flying to Newcastle tomorrow to catch up with my cousins and head to my sisters baby shower in Dubbo on Saturday. This will brighten my world. Although I know already there will be tears on Sunday and Monday as I wont want to leave them.
I need to force myself to see the light, no one is going to shine the torch for me. I need to change the things that I can and let go of the things that I cant. I need to accept that I am not a strong emotionally as I think I am - yes I do break, much to my disgust (why is that?). But I need to accept this, have my cry/scream etc and move on.
I have a great life, I have a partner that I love, I have a great family and awesome cousins, I have wonderful friends (who maybe I should reach out more often too) and I'm going to be an aunty any day now. I've just hit a hurdle and I am determined to get over it.
12wbt and Mish, I recommit myself to you as of now. I want to reach my goals regardless of the hurdles that come my way. I have 8 weeks to get rid of 7kgs, and I will do it. I will exercise 6 days of the week and stick to 1200 cals per day.
To my twitter buddies, I am coming back, I've missed you all, you brighten my day without you even knowing it.
Thanks for reading, I better get ready for work. xx