......

Didn't know what to call this post. Warning now, this is going to be a dull and unhappy post, so quit reading now if your not up for it. And its going to be a bit of a ramble.

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother with so many things in my life.

Why do I bother having a partner when I spend all week by myself doing everything by myself on our farm - its only 10 acres but we have dogs and horses to look after. The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard on me. It's been cold and wet and I've had to be up at some godforsaken hour so that I can work out polocrosse horses before work. Then I have to get everything organised to go away for the weekend.

Wouldn't a single life be better? Just me to look after, just my stuff to do.

Now I know that I love my partner, and essentially the point is that I am not coping with him being away all the time anymore, not at all. I'm in tears every morning (here they come now) cause I'm exhausted - more so emotionally then anything else, I don't want to go to work as I've so much to do here that I can't get done in the few hours that I am home. The washing piles up and screams at me from the laundry, as does the ironing and the house is filthy. I just want my mum or MIL to drop in an help, but no their 8 and 4.5 hours away.

I'm stuck in a town that I don't like. I have friends, but none that I can just call on to help out. And we live 15 mins out of town and at times it feels like they always want me to come into town, but they never want to come out here at the end of the day.

The worst part of all of this is that I own a 5% share of the business I work in and in Sept 2011 I am expected to purchase 15% off a partner who is retiring. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be so far from everyone I love. But, I'm having such a terrible time trying to tell them that this is not what I want. If I could move this business 8 hrs north, I'd be so happy, but I cant. So, I have made a date, Next Friday, when I am going to tell them I'm giving my notice and that I will be moving back up north. I've made myself sick over this.

And, we didn't get to court last Friday for J's DUI case. We go Wednesday next week. At least we'll know whats going on.

As for 12wbt, I just haven't been bothered. I know its a vicious circle that I get sucked into and when I stop exercising it just makes me feel even worse, but I just could not be bothered, I get to the gym and again I'm almost in tears cause I don't want to be there, I just want to go home to bed. And food, its been OK, but basically just eating stuff out of the freezer as again I couldn't be bothered cooking.

Catching up with my twitter friends - they bring me so much joy and support, but lately I couldn't even be bothered to catch up.

Why do I get like this? I really hate it and its seems that more down I get, the more I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know J can't dictate where he has to go for his job, so as far as I can see, he'll be away all week for a while longer - no light there. DUI - light next Wednesday. Exercise - I'm going to the gym tonight (light) Food - I will make myself a proper dinner tonight, no frozen food.

But, probably the biggest light of all is that I'm flying to Newcastle tomorrow to catch up with my cousins and head to my sisters baby shower in Dubbo on Saturday. This will brighten my world. Although I know already there will be tears on Sunday and Monday as I wont want to leave them.

I need to force myself to see the light, no one is going to shine the torch for me. I need to change the things that I can and let go of the things that I cant. I need to accept that I am not a strong emotionally as I think I am - yes I do break, much to my disgust (why is that?). But I need to accept this, have my cry/scream etc and move on.

I have a great life, I have a partner that I love, I have a great family and awesome cousins, I have wonderful friends (who maybe I should reach out more often too) and I'm going to be an aunty any day now. I've just hit a hurdle and I am determined to get over it.

12wbt and Mish, I recommit myself to you as of now. I want to reach my goals regardless of the hurdles that come my way. I have 8 weeks to get rid of 7kgs, and I will do it. I will exercise 6 days of the week and stick to 1200 cals per day.

To my twitter buddies, I am coming back, I've missed you all, you brighten my day without you even knowing it.

Thanks for reading, I better get ready for work. xx

Been a while

It has been a while since I blogged and maybe I wouldn't have gone off the rails if I had of kept up.

I put on 0.2 this week at WI and I know why.

Emotional eating reared its ugly head, over a few things:

• My other half (lets call him J) is away all week. He gets in the car on Sunday or Monday and generally returns Friday afternoon or if I'm really lucky about 10pm on Thursday night. This does not help when I'm tired and emotional and would just like to chat and have a cuddle and maybe have someone cook me dinner. Last week I resorted to my old tactics of why bother cooking for myself and ate toast for dinner instead. And no, honey on toast did not make me feel better.

• My sisters baby shower is next weekend and she lives 8hrs drive from me. I thought that I wasn't going to be able to go, so when I got the invite I was terribly sad and hence turned to my old friend - chocolate. I'm not a child person (I swear I'll have to get pregnant by accident) so was funny that I was so upset, but she is my sister so I guess that explains it. Anyway after a couple of days of the sads, I put out on Facebook that I was sad I wasn't going to be there and my lovely cousins from Newcastle had a great idea - fly up and drive out with them. Plane is booked and I'm so excited. I only met these cousins in April - long story and will tell you another day - but I feel I've known them all my life.

• J goes to court this Friday to try and get is licence back after a DUI charge in April 2009 - yep he's been almost 15 months without a licence and at worst he is looking at another 15 due to a prior DUI charge about 9 years and 6 months ago. This has been an extremely difficult period for us. He has to pay a driver to drive him all week and his driver is not really someone you want to spend all week with. On alternate weeks he gets his dad to drive him - and his dad is not someone I want to spend the time with when they get back here. -His dad often decides to come over on a Saturday or doesn't go home til he Sunday after they get back, so after being away all week I probably get a few hours with him, what a relationship, bet your jealous! It's very stressful, I get the shits, J gets the shits and its just such a happy place to be! I was hopeful about court until the solicitor said last week that he doesn't like our chances. So out came the chocolate. I still have my fingers crossed, I'm sick of being the driver all the time, I'm tired of having other people involved in our lives so much. I would like to be able to sleep in on a Saturday and J go to town and do the jobs, instead of getting up early to do the house jobs then be J's driver for the day as he needs to do stuff in town or with our sheep. I would like to be able to go out for dinner and have a couple of glasses of wine and have someone drive me home. I just want his licence back.

They are probably the 3 biggies this week.

The positives from this experience are:

• I know why I went wrong.

• I did go for a 10km run on Tuesday night and felt better for it.

• I need to go back to my quote - if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer - I will be putting that on my fridge NOW.

• And the best part, this week is a new week and I have a strong mind and body and I can do this.

Today I have a day off to get stuff done for our polocrosse carnival. I am making slices and cakes - major DANGER ZONE, but I'll be OK (I have a strong mind remember). I also plan on making today a 1000+ calorie burn today, and tomorrow as well.

I better fly, cause at this rate I wont even burn 100 cals!

WIW

Weigh In Wednesday

Am very pleased to say that I lost another 1kg this week, so thats 2kg so far and only 6.4 to go - 55 here I come!

But, on a sad note, I called my mum, who is also doing 12wbt, and she had to take her lab puppy to the vets yesterday as she ate some mouse bait, and they are waiting to hear if she made it through the night, so that deflated my sails pretty quick. Mum did lose 1.1kg though.

So, c'mon Lulu, here's hoping you can pull through this xx

Update 11:40am
Mum just text to say that Lulu is OK. I really didn't want to open the message, with how tried and emotional I've been lately, if it had been bad news I think I would have lost it.

She is one very string little puppy. She'll be wrapped in cotton wool for the next few weeks - not spoilt, but due to drugs given she could cause more issues if she knocks herself.

Poor mum and dad have been worried sick and feeling awful as any mousebait they put out is always in containers and out of reach of dogs - but she managed to sniff some out, must be that lab nose!

Catch ya, it is a great day today!

My dream

Just a quick one this morning.

Had a dream last night - by the way, I have the weirdest dreams, but this one was great.

I was at the Round 2 12wbt party and everyone I've been tweeting with, facebook friends with and chatted with on the forums was there.

It was great.

Even my other half came with me (but it wasn't him, he looked more like Brad Pitt in his early days, think Thelma & Louise).

I don't know why it was so good, it just was. Everyone was as I imagined them, dressed up in our frocks, we were all beautiful. And so friendly, like we'd known each other forever.

I can't wait till the round 2 party, I will not be missing it for the world! Now, I just have to find the dress I was wearing in my dream.........

On another note, I caved last night. I had the chicken noodle soup for dinner, then about an hour later a peanut butter and jam sandwhich WTF (it doesn't count if it's on healthy Burgen bread, does it?)! I was bored, not hungry. Not happy with myself at all. No use beating myself up, so have come up with a few contingency plans for boredom eating:

• get on the 12wbt forums
• hem those work pants you've had sitting on the lounge for like a month
• what about the ironing
• why not just go to bed
• have a herbal tea
• read your book

I have a stong mind and body, I can do this. I will not let boredom eating stand in the way of my goal this time round.

Have a great day peeps! I will not cave today

Dreaded Weigh In Wednesday

Wednesday is weigh in day, and I hate it, I even tried to make myself forget so I wouldn't have to weigh in - and I don't know why when this time round I know I've stuck to the plan.

Deep breath, step on, scales say 1kg gone, so step off, step on again, yep 1kg gone! Gone since Sunday.

My success can only be put down to keeping my eating on track, no compromises what so ever. I now agree with Mish (why did I doubt her) when she said weight loss is 80% food.

Today I've fought another battle and won. In the past I've used WI day as an excuse to stray from the plan as you have all week to make up for it. After lunch I was craving Mint Slice Pods (my idea of heaven), I even got my wallet out ready to go to the shop. SNAP! Wallet went back in my bag, and I made myself a 1/2 strength Jarrah Hot Choc. This curbed my craving and now I'm OK.

I don't need Pod's to survive. And I'll be much happier when I get into bed tonight and know honestly that I stuck to my plan.

So here's cheers to a good week ahead.

Exercise wise, went to the gym last night for a weights sesh. Back was OK, but not flash, so kept lower body light and tried to smash out upper body. The main things was that I felt sane again, I was slowly going crazy not exercising. Am going to try a walk/jog tonight around our house yard.

This 12wbt journey is very challenging. From the workouts to getting your mindset right, it's not easy, but the results will be worth it.

The thing that makes it bearable is that there are others going through the same thing as me. And although I've never met them/you, I see their/your tweets, facebook updates and posts on the forums and know I'm not alone. I see their/your struggles and realise I can do this. I see their/your success and aspire to be like them/you.

Big shout out to you all, I could not do this without you.

Hate being injured, but I'm lucky

I'm off to my chiro in about 1/2 hour to see if she can work her magic and fix my back - she usually does.

Last weekend, one of my mates dropped me on a concrete dance floor and I landed fair on the bottom of my back. I am lucky - lucky it wasn't my head otherwise I think I would have been knocked out and have split my head open.

It is really sore, but me being me have just kept about doing the essential stuff (riding horses for 30-40mins per day) and thought I'd be fine to play polocrosse on the weekend.

Bad, bad move. The playing part was OK, but heck trying to swing my leg over my saddle to get on and off almost bought me to tears. I'm sure my OH was just looking at me wondering why I was playing, but he doesn't say anything as I'm not the nicest person when I'm sore, my horse is going like crap and I'm playing like crap - so after 10 years he worked out to keep his mouth shut (poor man).

With today being day 1 of Round 2 12wbt I am annoyed that I can't run or do the hard core cardio in the program. I don't even think that I'll be able to do the toning leg exercises either.

But actually, I think I'm lucky. Lucky as when I did round 1 my exercise was great but my food let me down - bad choices, too much, letting the old 'ah well you've blown your cals today why bother now' attitude get me down.

Today I've had to concentrate on my food and drinks. Brekkie was more cals than I thought, so I'll have to forgo an arvo snack and have a light dinner - neither of which are going to kill me.

I'm going to win this battle and will get back to my exercise regime, but at the moment I'm going to remain thinking that I am lucky to have this injury cause I am now forced to bring my eating under control.

I'm off to see my chiro now, fingers crossed she works her magic, but maybe not too quickly!

Work/life balance - follow up week 2 I think?

So far, so good with the reorganisation of my working week.

By having the two buffer days, I find that I am allocating 'stuff' through the week to those days.

On my 3 'productive' days I basically only do my work - the exceptions to this so far have been to answer staff questions, which can't be avoided.

I had my 2 free days last weekend, and felt so much better for it. It cleared my head, I went to work refreshed on Monday and have been in a better mood for it all week.

My boss is from the old school where if your a business owner you'll have to do so much more work. Well that doesn't fly with me, I just needed to work smarter and make sure my time at work was super productive - ok I still get distracted by Twitter, Facebook & 12wbt forums, but I'm a work in progress.

I am fitting in working polocrosse horses and my training without any worries.

So all in all, I'm pretty happy with the balance I have bought back into my life - I'm sure my partner will be too.

What are you doing to keep/bring back the work/life balance in your life? I'd love to hear.