......

Didn't know what to call this post. Warning now, this is going to be a dull and unhappy post, so quit reading now if your not up for it. And its going to be a bit of a ramble.

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother with so many things in my life.

Why do I bother having a partner when I spend all week by myself doing everything by myself on our farm - its only 10 acres but we have dogs and horses to look after. The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard on me. It's been cold and wet and I've had to be up at some godforsaken hour so that I can work out polocrosse horses before work. Then I have to get everything organised to go away for the weekend.

Wouldn't a single life be better? Just me to look after, just my stuff to do.

Now I know that I love my partner, and essentially the point is that I am not coping with him being away all the time anymore, not at all. I'm in tears every morning (here they come now) cause I'm exhausted - more so emotionally then anything else, I don't want to go to work as I've so much to do here that I can't get done in the few hours that I am home. The washing piles up and screams at me from the laundry, as does the ironing and the house is filthy. I just want my mum or MIL to drop in an help, but no their 8 and 4.5 hours away.

I'm stuck in a town that I don't like. I have friends, but none that I can just call on to help out. And we live 15 mins out of town and at times it feels like they always want me to come into town, but they never want to come out here at the end of the day.

The worst part of all of this is that I own a 5% share of the business I work in and in Sept 2011 I am expected to purchase 15% off a partner who is retiring. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be so far from everyone I love. But, I'm having such a terrible time trying to tell them that this is not what I want. If I could move this business 8 hrs north, I'd be so happy, but I cant. So, I have made a date, Next Friday, when I am going to tell them I'm giving my notice and that I will be moving back up north. I've made myself sick over this.

And, we didn't get to court last Friday for J's DUI case. We go Wednesday next week. At least we'll know whats going on.

As for 12wbt, I just haven't been bothered. I know its a vicious circle that I get sucked into and when I stop exercising it just makes me feel even worse, but I just could not be bothered, I get to the gym and again I'm almost in tears cause I don't want to be there, I just want to go home to bed. And food, its been OK, but basically just eating stuff out of the freezer as again I couldn't be bothered cooking.

Catching up with my twitter friends - they bring me so much joy and support, but lately I couldn't even be bothered to catch up.

Why do I get like this? I really hate it and its seems that more down I get, the more I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know J can't dictate where he has to go for his job, so as far as I can see, he'll be away all week for a while longer - no light there. DUI - light next Wednesday. Exercise - I'm going to the gym tonight (light) Food - I will make myself a proper dinner tonight, no frozen food.

But, probably the biggest light of all is that I'm flying to Newcastle tomorrow to catch up with my cousins and head to my sisters baby shower in Dubbo on Saturday. This will brighten my world. Although I know already there will be tears on Sunday and Monday as I wont want to leave them.

I need to force myself to see the light, no one is going to shine the torch for me. I need to change the things that I can and let go of the things that I cant. I need to accept that I am not a strong emotionally as I think I am - yes I do break, much to my disgust (why is that?). But I need to accept this, have my cry/scream etc and move on.

I have a great life, I have a partner that I love, I have a great family and awesome cousins, I have wonderful friends (who maybe I should reach out more often too) and I'm going to be an aunty any day now. I've just hit a hurdle and I am determined to get over it.

12wbt and Mish, I recommit myself to you as of now. I want to reach my goals regardless of the hurdles that come my way. I have 8 weeks to get rid of 7kgs, and I will do it. I will exercise 6 days of the week and stick to 1200 cals per day.

To my twitter buddies, I am coming back, I've missed you all, you brighten my day without you even knowing it.

Thanks for reading, I better get ready for work. xx

Been a while

It has been a while since I blogged and maybe I wouldn't have gone off the rails if I had of kept up.

I put on 0.2 this week at WI and I know why.

Emotional eating reared its ugly head, over a few things:

• My other half (lets call him J) is away all week. He gets in the car on Sunday or Monday and generally returns Friday afternoon or if I'm really lucky about 10pm on Thursday night. This does not help when I'm tired and emotional and would just like to chat and have a cuddle and maybe have someone cook me dinner. Last week I resorted to my old tactics of why bother cooking for myself and ate toast for dinner instead. And no, honey on toast did not make me feel better.

• My sisters baby shower is next weekend and she lives 8hrs drive from me. I thought that I wasn't going to be able to go, so when I got the invite I was terribly sad and hence turned to my old friend - chocolate. I'm not a child person (I swear I'll have to get pregnant by accident) so was funny that I was so upset, but she is my sister so I guess that explains it. Anyway after a couple of days of the sads, I put out on Facebook that I was sad I wasn't going to be there and my lovely cousins from Newcastle had a great idea - fly up and drive out with them. Plane is booked and I'm so excited. I only met these cousins in April - long story and will tell you another day - but I feel I've known them all my life.

• J goes to court this Friday to try and get is licence back after a DUI charge in April 2009 - yep he's been almost 15 months without a licence and at worst he is looking at another 15 due to a prior DUI charge about 9 years and 6 months ago. This has been an extremely difficult period for us. He has to pay a driver to drive him all week and his driver is not really someone you want to spend all week with. On alternate weeks he gets his dad to drive him - and his dad is not someone I want to spend the time with when they get back here. -His dad often decides to come over on a Saturday or doesn't go home til he Sunday after they get back, so after being away all week I probably get a few hours with him, what a relationship, bet your jealous! It's very stressful, I get the shits, J gets the shits and its just such a happy place to be! I was hopeful about court until the solicitor said last week that he doesn't like our chances. So out came the chocolate. I still have my fingers crossed, I'm sick of being the driver all the time, I'm tired of having other people involved in our lives so much. I would like to be able to sleep in on a Saturday and J go to town and do the jobs, instead of getting up early to do the house jobs then be J's driver for the day as he needs to do stuff in town or with our sheep. I would like to be able to go out for dinner and have a couple of glasses of wine and have someone drive me home. I just want his licence back.

They are probably the 3 biggies this week.

The positives from this experience are:

• I know why I went wrong.

• I did go for a 10km run on Tuesday night and felt better for it.

• I need to go back to my quote - if hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer - I will be putting that on my fridge NOW.

• And the best part, this week is a new week and I have a strong mind and body and I can do this.

Today I have a day off to get stuff done for our polocrosse carnival. I am making slices and cakes - major DANGER ZONE, but I'll be OK (I have a strong mind remember). I also plan on making today a 1000+ calorie burn today, and tomorrow as well.

I better fly, cause at this rate I wont even burn 100 cals!